Imposter Syndrome: Mum Edition


“What do you want?” This is something I’ve found myself uttering to my baby at all times of the day and night. It comes off a bit harsh, so I try again: “I don’t know what you want” or “Mummy doesn’t know what you want”. Because I don’t. I have no confidence and find myself feeding him every 2 hours during the day because I have nothing else in my toolkit. Sometimes I correctly guess that he’s tired. And so to give him the relief of sleep, I need to feed him and rock him to sleep. Oh and he needs to be on me and have his dummy. Often though he’s overtired. Poor little guy. Sometimes it’s fine. I have nowhere to be and nothing I (really) need to do. But now at 12 weeks, the ideas of things I could be doing are piling up in the ‘yeah but you can’t’ pile.

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My First Year As a Mum – 10 Things I’ve Learned

It’s different to what you imagine

Put most of your preconceived ideas about what parenthood is like aside.¬†Reality will hit like nothing you’ve ever experienced!

OK, not to scare anyone, but holy shit! How do families all over town, the country, the world do this on a day-to-day basis?! I found the first six months particularly challenging. I think there needs to be a huge celebration at that point – because if you can get through that, you can get through anything!! Continue reading

Re-learning Self Settling

When I jumped the gun and wrote Survival Mode Part II: Relief, things had gotten better…before they got even worse. Last week we experienced 4-8 wakeups per night and day naps back to 30 mins. It was taking increasingly more time and effort to settle the baby who then seemed to have such light, restless sleep. When she did sleep, we tiptoed around the house…which seems pretty normal. Except that we had stopped having dinner, lest it break the fragile sleep cycle, instead opting to just go straight to bed on an empty stomach. We cancelled plans left, right and centre as we just tried to cope with each day. Continue reading

Survival Mode Part II: Relief

When I wrote Survival Mode, I was a bit broken…little did I know it would get worse. Everyday, I woke up and genuinely had hope my baby would go back to how she used to be: a self- settling good sleeper…or that I wouldn’t be so stressed that she doesn’t sleep anymore. But each laboured bedtime was wearing me down until the other night I was a sobbing mess at another failed settling attempt. “I can’t do this anymore!” I whined. I don’t know what I thought the alternative was but something had to change. Continue reading

Survival Mode

I got to leave the house today, by myself, and promptly burst into tears upon being asked how I was. Whoops.

There’s nothing wrong with Jessica, she’s not sick anyway, and for that I count my blessings. Yet I’m feeling extremely sorry for myself. Tears are pretty normal at home for Jessica and I.

It’s hard for me to write this without seeming ungrateful. I have a beautiful daughter who we have wanted for some time and she’s adorable! But she’s also going through something right now which is testing us all. We’re on Day 9 of rare, short day sleeps and resulting irritability ¬†(her and I); no more self settling – it now takes between 25 mins and 2 hours for us to settle her into sleep or back to sleep which includes shushing, rocking, up to two Baby Sleep Sounds apps running at once, one hand on her chest – perhaps rocking, with a restless and very tired baby valiantly fighting every loving attempt; waking up, rolling, getting stuck on her stomach and crying; and numerous overnight wakeups, including now always 40 mins – an hour after finally getting her off to sleep, giving us a tiny window to make and scoff our dinner in shellshocked and fearful silence. Midnight seems to be another constant favourite wide awake hour and so we play with her in our bed for 90 minutes, grateful she’s not crying.

I don’t mean to sound overly dramatic about all this, but this phase has left us both not just physically tired, but also emotionally drained. I have been at my worst this past week: frustrated, angry, weepy, teeth grinding, self pitying, and anxious that this has become our new normal. Two weeks ago we had a mostly happy girl who self settled and slept through from 7pm – 7am so you could say we were very lucky. I have sworn in my head, under my breath and at the ceiling and of course at my poor and equally bewildered loving partner. Her awake times bring us immense pride and joy with her big smiles and neverending mastery of new skills (including giggles just tonight!). We have been through crisis periods where we have to dig into survival mode before and wondered how we can sustain ourselves. For myself that includes:

– the first 5 days post partum when I had no chance of sleep while recovering from the c section in hospital and trying to care for my precious newborn.

– when we called in a Karitane Nurse and saw a Paediatrician in the same week after at least a month of living in survival mode when it was my supply which was determined to be the issue

And probably at least a few other times, the details of which I can’t quite remember, except for how I felt.

I ask myself:

– Is it something I’m feeding her? Or something I’m not?

– Is she getting enough water? Or too much?

– Is she too hot?

– Is she too tired? Not tired enough?

– Is it teething? Or is she in some other pain?

– Am I stressing her out? Am I undoing her self settling?

So surely this too will pass, but until then, I’m quite fragile in my survival mode. Doing my best to get us through each day with as few tears as possible, savouring the happy times and trying to stay calm when someone asks after Jessica or I.

Sleep Like A Baby…

To Sleep Like A Baby: To experience a very deep and restful sleep; to sleep soundly.



If only it were that easy. For the baby or for you.

All of these motherly things such as breastfeeding or settling a baby, I thought they would just come naturally. Little did I know it takes a lot of hard work and persistence to make

People will helpfully give you the advice: “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. I’m sorry, it doesn’t quite work like that. My experience might be different to most other people’s but my reality was a baby who rarely slept for longer than 20 mins at a time during the day and then stretches of 3-4 hours overnight up to 4 months old. It’s amazing how much sleep deprivation you can actually cope with as a new parent, but after weeks and weeks of it, it takes its toll. If you are experiencing anything like this, you have my deepest sympathy. Please be kind to yourself!

We reached crisis point with the catnaps, but mostly the upsets which turned out to be a feeding issue (see (Breast/Bottle) Feeding) and in came a Karitane Nurse who diagnosed the problem, taught us self settling and gave us a routine and was gone in 90 minutes. And from then our lives changed for the better. Let me save you $270 and further heartache, distress, worry and share with you what we learned and what is working for us. Continue reading