There are many many things BC (Before Child) Steph said she’d do…
- breastfeed for a year (eeked my way to 5 months)
- not let my baby watch tv or play with my phone (thank you props!)
- not use a dummy (was a godsend for a couple of months there)
- be a really calm, serene mother who has her shit together at all times (!)
Oh lol at naive, idealistic BC Steph. What did you know about anything?!
Something else I said I’d do is have one year maternity leave then return to work fulltime, with my partner becoming a stay at home Dad (SAHD). This is on-track to happen next month and I’m a bit anxious about it. Perhaps as so many of my other ideas and plans haven’t quite come off, I’m still in denial about it happening. I guess everything since conceiving has been an unknown, so why should this be any different?
Ever since we first discussed having kids, Andrew and I have worked towards structuring our lives to allow for one of us to stay home with the kid(s). It makes financial sense for that person to be him. If you had asked me around the time of Survival Mode if I was looking forward to going back to work, the answer would have been a resounding YES. I needed space, which I didn’t have. Now as the countdown is on (and I feel more like a real mother), I’m keenly aware that I need to treasure every single moment with my baby. But in a way, as her 1st Birthday approaches, I’m saying goodbye to her babyhood as well. Glum, glum, glum!
What am I looking forward to?
- A reason to get dressed everyday (clothes are still an issue!)
- To flex my professional brain
- Catch up with my colleagues and slot back into the company culture
- To help people and make a difference
- To have a lunch break
- The commute: enforced “me” time = loud music or silence or something in between
- To get in touch with BC Steph again. She’s not coming back, nor would I wish her to, but I want to be the most “me” that I can (if that makes ANY sense at all)
What Will Be Different
I’m not going to have time to deal with crap. I’m going to call out behaviour I find unacceptable. Motherhood and therefore time management has helped me to become less passive (in my mind anyway). And for those of you who know me and consider me outspoken, that is in the safety of our familiar relationship – I can be a coward in a professional setting. I’ve heard some terrible things uttered in my presence and been so unsure how to respond that I’ve stayed silent, but no more! My time is precious and so is everyone elses. No more procrastinating.
But…my confidence is knocked. A year is a long time and “Mummy Brain” is a real thing (however, someone tossed that term my way during a meeting and I really didn’t appreciate it). It’s going to take quite some adjustment to get back into professional mode, but I’ve learned that my brain is pretty amazing for getting me and us this far!
What Will I Miss?
Her sounds – new sounds, mimicing sounds, happy, singing, concentrating, laughing sounds. Known words and new words
Watching her – discover, learn, practice, explore, persist, dance, smile, laugh, communicate. Crawling, oh my gosh the crawling is so cute
Excursions – even if it’s just another mid-week trip to Lynn Mall to window shop
Hanging out in our pjs
Figuring out another way to delight and surprise her
Monday morning rubbish truck day! I perch her up on the windowsill so she can watch three different rubbish trucks go up and down the street. It won’t be long until she’ll be tall enough to stand at the sill and peer out
But all this, I will hand over to Andrew. He’s looking forward to his time with her but he probably can’t quite imagine how wonderful it will be. And I’m happy for them both because I know they’ll have a ball! I realise it would be tougher on me if both of us worked, but my heart still pangs as the day approaches.